| It all comes down to me...... |
[22 Sep 2005|12:14am] |
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mood |
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music |
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the pills hittin the table and then back into the bottle |
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Every time i try to do good, i don't, because its just not worth it really, its really not. What would i get for doing what everybody else says is the right thing to do? Nothing, I hate myself but i like the world. I want to enjoy it, but its easier to blame everyone for what I feel. I feel trapped inside myself which i really don't even know if it makes any sense. If judgement day is coming around, I will be left behind.. bad thought, but it would be everything i (think I) wanted. Anarchy, chaos, nothing making any kind of sense. I wish instead of Joe Overdosing it would have been me and that i would have died. Ending my pain, i don't even have a heart anymore, im an asshole, and i wish i were dead, but im too scared to kill myself, because, this has to better than where i would go right now if i died. SO Fuck the world and Fuck myself, and Fuck the people that don't realize (or dont care) that i care for them more than i value my life, FUCK YOU, and If i were to do anything crazy, I don't wnat one person at my Funeral. Just hold somebody.....
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| Thinking |
[20 Sep 2005|09:23pm] |
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mood |
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 he he |
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music |
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Sum 41 - In pieces |
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Today was the field trips although i did not go me and Ashley Roddy hung out all morning and then finally about 12 o clock i went in, and did absolutely nothing the whole time which i could have been doing some makeup work but ya know,
"Pieces"
I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
On my own
I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
Later guys
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| Been a while |
[19 Sep 2005|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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T.I. Ima King |
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Its been a little while since i wrote or typed in this thing but here goes, not much happening like always school started back up and it sucks but its my last year so yea. Rumors are also flying again and its kind of amusing. I hung out with Emily Barnes one day for about one hour. And so now she tells everyone that we had sex which is completely not true, and then she tells people that i went over to her house in the middle of the night and snuck through her window and had sex with her again and umm yea its not true either, I would like to smack her but oh well, shes fuckin pyscho. I hadn't even said anything to her about it becuase shed probably tell everyone something crazy, like id say hey why are you telling people shit that isnt true and shed tell people i said something like hey i wanna have sex wit you, but someone should smack her for me. I am looking for a g/f but EHHS is not the place to do that. I like Elise but Im pretty sure she doesn't like me in the same way, and i really dont know why i even like her because shes got some problems that i wouldnt be able to come close to resolving, but thats alright because its not like im ugly or anything like that. I haven't had sex for like umm ever, like 14-15-16 wekks or something like that but thats alright, I can always beat off, LOL. But NEways Bien sick is gay ive been sick for a week now and its GAYYYY!!!!!!!!!
Later
Jake
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| Been a while |
[12 Jul 2005|07:25pm] |
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mood |
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Violent |
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music |
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Pretty Ricky- Shorty will you be mine (shut up good song) |
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Well i havent updated for a while so here goes, absolutely nothing has happened except me and ashley dont hanve sex anymore so thats no good, and im not really dating anyone but that will soon change as I have no job and the only thing i do anymore is look at girls and occasionaly talk to one... Oh yea i made a rap song on my computer and it kicks ass just becuse i can say, I rap and i suck but i dont care, i have more acoustic songs on there than anything but im not letting anybody (except for someone who wouldnt listen to them) listen to them becuase they are P E R S O N A L so yea, I just figured out how to use my DVD burner to its full extent and i believe Jordan Roberts just got here because i could here his truck, i got drunk as shit at the fair the other night and damn near started a fight becuse im an idiot when im drunk and to a certain someone EVERYBODY does stupid things sometimes so don't criticise me about it.. but yea so i got off the fireball which was not a good idea whatsoever but i got off and this guy just kept looking at me so after like the second time he looked at me i got realllly pissed off and walked over and was like DO I HAVE A FUCKIN SIGN ON ME THAT SAYS LOOK AT ME? and he was like no dude i just thought i knew you from somewhere and i said i apologize im drunk and turned around and walked off, I guess mason is dating stephanie Melene now which is real cool
Later
Jake
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| Nothing |
[14 Jun 2005|03:47pm] |
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mood |
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Wating for her to get off work |
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music |
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The temptations (maybe) Stand by me! |
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Well last night and the night before i hung out with ashley and tonight i think were hanging out again im not real sure thoug, it just sux right now b/c the only people that know anything is going on is my mom and my brother and she wants to tell jordan (her brother) first to see what his reaction will be so shes gonna do that tonight, which shes older than him so i figured it wouldnt be a big deal but he and his sister are pretty tight so idk, I wont be afraid, just as long as you stand stand by me! lol I like that song anyways im gonna get off here
Later
Jake
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| I am happy |
[13 Jun 2005|02:06am] |
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Hey, what is up, I have good news! I am now dating ashley roberts, shes 21, gorgeous, and is a police officer or was or something! but anyways she likes me i guess and she hung out with me all day today and after she gets off work tommorow so its real cool. Im talking to chris harris on the phone and he DID leave that comment lol. So yea rite now all i can think about is Ashley but neways im gonna get off here!.....
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| In my dreams.... |
[06 Jun 2005|02:25pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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Sublime What i got |
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I HATE DREAMS, why d we have to have them? I had a dream today that was absolutely wonderful but when i woke up and it wasnt true I wanted to die, seriously. I even cried over it. A FUCKING DREAM. I cried over it and i dont have any idea why, well yea i do. I wish I could have gone into a coma like state and just stayed there for like ever...........
-Dream- Emily breaks up with Lane because he cheats on her. SHe calls me up, sometime, then we are someplace hanging out, then it flashes to sometime when she says she loves me, then theres that very long kiss, then i wake up...................................
I hope it was pointing out something that happens in the future....:( I doubt it, I may call her today...
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| TSF Show good but.... |
[04 Jun 2005|01:52am] |
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mood |
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I might be! |
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music |
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Brand New- I believe you but my tommy gun don't! |
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Me and Laura went and seen The They've Shot Flanigan Show, there were like 10 bands. It was in Newcastle with this huge pavilion, but like NOBODY ended up coming, like altogether there was maybe like 35 kids there at the end and maybe 55 kids at its peak, it was horrible. But the show was pretty kick ass, there was some band that was just doing taking back sunday covers, but I watched them because well.... I like TBS but TSF was definetly good. IT COST TEB DOLLARS TO GET IN. I was like, how much did you say? and She was like 10 Dollars. "Fuck,... alright" is what i said. I paid it and quit bitching. I have yet to form an opinion of Laura. I mean shes cool and everything but were just hanging out like regular friends right now basically. SO thats what Its gonna be for a little while I guess, and I really dont care. Oh yeah, I GOT A FUCKIN JOB, im so glad that i will finally be making some cash. Im gonna start working at The new OCharlies in Greenfield, so yea, but I cant be a waiter because I dont have a liquor license so I can only be a fuckin bus boy, but oh well, I mean its still like 6 dollars and 25 cents an hour.
Later
Jake
P.S Kayla, SHH on the comments I dont need LOL J/P
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[02 Jun 2005|12:54am] |
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mood |
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creative |
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music |
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With Broken wings - In my dreams |
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Im in a lot better mood then i was earlier today, mainly because I am going on a "date" thats such a weird word i just have to put it again "date" ok, but im going on one with Laura Edwards from New Castle, I haven't sen her in like 2 years when me and her made out in the back of her sisters car lol, but my kissing skills have like quadroopled over the years so oh yea, but anyways Mason WAS going out with chelsea and Laura called one afternoon and was like hey lets hang out and im all for it so yay
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| What the FUCK |
[01 Jun 2005|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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 enraged |
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music |
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The Vein in my fuckin head |
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Alright so well anyways i have been sick for like the last two days and now today Mason breaks up with his awesome girlfriend for a reason known to none but me even if he doesn't know it, my brother does the stupidest thing in the world and its just a matter of time before I kick his ass, this probably will get him some probation and maybe a little detention time if they want to press the case, I just dont under stand him half of the time!! GRR Im gonna rip him a new asshole i swear GOD DAMNIT MOTHER FUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT
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[19 May 2005|10:24am] |
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Havent updated in a minute so here goes. At home we just recently got broadband and a new computer so ive been sitting at home on my ass playing Jedi academy multiplayer which, lightsabers kick ass don't ya know. ANyways today i got to go see my counselor kevin, which hes pretty cool. But yea i hadn't smoked pot in 3 days and the longer i go the easier it gets so yea im just not gonna put myself in those stupid fuckin positions to get myself anywhere close to bieng stoned. EPISODE 3 I G2G see that, Later my home nigga g b wanna be
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[16 May 2005|10:39pm] |
So im sitting here listening to the intro to fade to black and it is awesome as hell, I cant wait till next monday because thats when the vendetta red concert got re-scheduled and yea. So today went ok, im just read to get the fuck out of school and get a fucking job. I gotta get some money, Time to party, Later
Jake
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| Another World exists |
[14 May 2005|01:25pm] |
So yeah, last night i took a hit of acid, and it was by far the best acid i have ever ever had in my life, I tripped my face off, nothing made sense and i dedn't care, my chair with flower paterns on it kept blooming and i kept making weird sounds it was CRAZY.... I will definetly do it again but its gonna be awhile............
Later
Jake
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| Hmm |
[12 May 2005|12:25pm] |
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mood |
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 Dont read this |
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Well its only been a little while since my last post, my mood has drastically changed and i am not sure why... People make me mad, no correction, I choose to get mad about stupid bullshit that i cannot, I reapeat, cannot change. I wish and i wish but it never comes true, if nothing changes than NOTHING changes. To induce the step of change in your life you must change your habits, it all is a reaction, a science that has not yet to be proven but does work. That all just came out of my fingertips. Wow. im an idiot. I don't like life, but i dont hate it either. Im in the exact middle, In the future I'll either 1.put the barrel in my mouth 2. be famous. THose are my only two options, i will make it. I will be famous. or I will die in a manner brought about by myself. I AM in control of my fate, and if i find that i am not in control, I will not let anyone else control my actions meaning...................... death to Jake by Jake's own hand. Can it be done? YES IT CAN. Will I do it? At first, no. BGut i know that in the end if i get upset enough i will get fucked up to tghe point where i dont care about anything else in the fuckin world to put that motherfucking gun in my mouth and pull the trigger becasue i know that this world is hell and if i pull the trigger i will cease to exist but if i die and i am not worthy of heaven i will roam this god forsaken place forever and that my friends is not in my mothercfucking agenda, i am the most upset i ahve been in a very long time and i think im going to get shitfaced tonight and i know that that is not good for me to do and it could be my last decison in the world but of course running down to the gas station for some cigarettes could bwe my last decision car accident, the world is a cruel and fucked up place and its not the world persay, its the people the laws the good the bad the influences the books the music the leaders the DECISIONS on what you will do in the years to come. Certain things will happen though, I will die and it may not be by natural causes or by acident i may take my own life. I am not afraid of upsetting God. He knows im typing this and what im thinking, he is the almighty and apparently earth is a test, I am not good at tests. I think im crazy, maybe i am, time to think, we will continue this discussion with yourself in the future, because everyones afraid to show that they care................... I'll lock myself alone in a room drinking till the clock strikes noon with just a pen a pill and some paper and maybe i will write a sad song or another cliche poem about the person that i long to be, I wanna die like Jim morrison, A FUCKING ROCKSTAR............ and I will....
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| Just a pen, a pill, and some paper |
[12 May 2005|10:58am] |
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mood |
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I miss her, always |
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Well, last night i did something which was long overdue, I was jumping around this site and i found myself on jenelle's, so I sent her an e-mail to what i thought was her email address but i found out today that it doesn't exist so i got the real one from nicole (thanx buddy) and just re-sent it. It was actually the hardest thing i had to do in a while, admitting that everything was more or less my fault. But neways, it's not i like i want to get back with her i jsut hope that sometime we can be in the same place without it seeming all fuckin weird. I had a dream last night of me and emily in Paris, yeah weird, but then i got the significance of it, I promised emily i would never go without her, so it looks like i'll never ever go to paris because i don't break promises. The other day i asked mason if the chance ever came back to date emily (which for me it won't sad but true) would he have a problem with it and he said for right now he wouldn't want me to you know, and i can respect that, but i just dont understand that if he still likes emily that much why is he going out with chelsea (from newcastle), although she is really hott and is cool to hang out with, anywasy the bell jsut rang so im going to eat lunch
Later
Emily, I wish you well, but please still be my friend
Lane- don't hurt her, shes the sweetest girl in the world. How long do you guys talk on the phone?
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| Strawberry Poptarts |
[11 May 2005|10:19am] |
Im in an extremely good but hungry mood today, I don't think anyones going to get to me all day. I just have to sit back and take shit one day at a time and try not to get overwhelmed with anything, time goes on and nothings permanent so I think that ill be alright as long as i stick to that. Mankind is going to go out in some crazy ass nuclear war, its bound to happen. I had a dream that i was looking out my window (faces west) and i seen this bright light and i realized it was a huge bomb and this light just came toward me, but i just shook it off and went back to sleep. I also soke up thinking it was saturday but its only wednesday!
Your such a disaster
Never should of believed you!
Had faith in a broken bond
You tore me up right on cue
How many times can my heart be mended
I think soon its sure to burst...
-me- I just made that up
Later
Jake
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| Runnung low on pepsi |
[10 May 2005|10:40am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Senses Fail, I wish |
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Well, today is going good so far, I haven't yet worked myself to an aggravated anger state like i did yesterday. I wish i could just talk to her without feeling all weird about it, and I don't know if she still hates me, she says she doesn't, but i just dont know. Anyways I gotta shit load of stuff to do this week I have to give a 7 minute speech today that i am totally unprepared for and i have a huge essay DUE friday which sucks because I dont have any of it done. My mom ordered a new badass computer and we are getting insight cable modem for it. That should be kickass. Elise pinched me really hard last period and it still kinda hurts. grr I'll get herback, she hates to be tickled. So yesterday i got home from school and mowed the grass (something productive) even though i just mowed the motherfucker last thursday, when I was mowing on my neibors snapper (a nice mower) A pin fell out of somewhere and the deck droped, so for like 25 feet its like 1/4 of an inch long it was funny but took me almost a half hour to fix it, I had to pull all kinds of shit off that mower, it did it on purpose i tell you. Then Mason, Joe, and I (proper english) went to Masons and I watched them skate for a while. I hate going to a small school. I am going to go to Greenfield Central Next year im pretty sure of it, because I won't know everything about everybody so it will be better for me, I'll just have to tone my smart ass mouth down a little bit otherwise my first friend could be the floor if you know what i mean. THIS CAPTAIN GOES DOWN WITH SHIP! ALL HANDS ON DECK STAND HIP TO HIP I SHOUT ORDER SHOOT TO KILL "Im dressed to thrill dressed to thrill"
Later
Jake
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| Hazy weekend, monday Madness |
[09 May 2005|10:29am] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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None |
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Well the counseling i had to go to ended up bieng a waste of my time and gas because when I got there the receptionist told me that it would only be a couple of minutes so a half hour later Im kinda irritated. SO im like "Well just leave a note saying that i came and everything and waited an extra half hour." So she says she will and I go home to a message on my answering machine and it says "This message is for Jacob Hawkins, I had a 5:30 appointment scheduled for the today that you did not show up for and I was just....." YOu got the picture. So Im like Hell Naa, and i leave a message saying ALMOST the same exact thing she did, I leave on saying, THis is Jacob Hawkins and this message is for Mrs. Kirbs.............." SO she called back Saturday all sounding like an idiot. After counseling I went home and hung out with Joe and Mason. Saturday was a slightly more exciting day, I got up around 11 and Mason came over, and we went somewhere but can't remember where, and then my mom got home from work and we went to her freinds moms openhouse (gay, except for the semi-hot chick that definetly wanted me, but im 2hot2handle LOL) and after that i went and seen Jon Stewart. Who is JOn Stewart? He Hosts the daily show on comedy central you ignorent fuck. So anyways he was funny as fuck. And then I didnt get home until 12:30 and I went in and crashed, well yesterday Mothers day, My mom and my Grandma went somewehre to do something all day so I went into grenfield and hung out with everyone for a while. I did some long hard thinking about Emily, and if shes happy, then Im happy for her, I guess. Plenty of girls around. This song was only wishful thinkin.
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